April 30, 2011
Got up this morning to take Hughie (my oldest) to the eye doctor. A few months ago we discovered his right eye had a cataract and he had surgery to have it removed. Today, we were finally going to get him fitted for glasses. I thought that it would be an exciting morning, little did I know that in the short time between waking up and leaving the house I'd be arguing with my husband and ready to just crawl back into bed and call it "quits" for the day.
I know I'm on edge because Justin (my husband) is going out of town tomorrow for work. I'm always highly emotional whenever he leaves but I feel like he's trying to pick fights with me this time around. It's very frustrating.
Anyway, we made it to the eye doctor and luckily the appointment went well and the glasses were ordered. My kiddo looks really cute in glasses.
And then we came home... the boys went outside to play and Justin went to mow the lawn. I started the dishes and suddenly broke down in tears. This overwhelming feeling of lonliness came over me. I can't descibe it much more than feeling like no one else in the world could possibly know how you're feeling. My heart aches and my stomach is turning.
Now my family is coming back inside, once again I'll wipe away the tears and put on a smile. I'll lift my head up and take a step in the right direction to feeling better. Kaleb (my youngest) is pulling on me and I can't say "no" to him. Here's to hoping that this is the low point of my day and it just goes up from here.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Friday, April 29, 2011
Day 1: The Start of a Blog
Not exactly sure how to start so please bear with me...
It hasn't been a year yet since being diagnosed as bipolar. Already, I'd give just about anything to go back and not have to deal with the truth of why I do and feel the things that I do.
I've decided to start this blog because once again I'm having a "break". Things seemed to be going so normal and even and without really knowing when I've gone back down into that dark place where I don't want to deal with my emotions. I just want to go to sleep and wake up feeling better.
Perhaps, before I get too much into where I'm at right now I should give a little backround. I am a 32 year old wife and mommy. I have 2 little boys who are everything to me. There are days that I think if it wasn't for them I really don't know where I'd be. I am married to a wonderful man who loves me and luckily understands my disease better than most. We have had our ups and downs in our 8 years of marriage but I wouldn't want to have those ups and downs with anyone else.
I have one older sister who is my best friend. I share everything with her (perhaps too much sometimes). Since she became a foster mommy and stay at home mommy I feel we've become closer and I couldn't be more thankful for that. She has 2 beautiful daughters and has had several foster babies that we all have loved and have been heartbroken to see go. She is also married to a great man who puts up with her very controling manner and has made a pretty good brother over the years.
My mom is my ROCK! There isn't much else to say because I think that says it all. I don't know what I'd do without her. She keeps me grounded but never lets me forget that having fun and being silly is the best medicine in the world. Everyday something happens to remind me how lucky I am to have her so close.
My dad and I have struggled over the years but I think we are finally in a good place and have a good relationship. He lives far away and I do wish we could be closer to each other. He was rough and tough as I was growing up but I'm lucky enough to also have those moments locked in my memory when he was gentle and goofy and loving. I am thankful that with age and the love of a very wonderful lady (yes, that's you Carolyn) that he has become a lot softer and when he gets to be around his Grandkids is the best Grandpa in the world.
As for the rest of my family... I think they all need to move to CO to be close to me. I am thankful to FB to be able to keep in contact with those that I wouldn't otherwise.
I feel like I'm rambling, another great side effect to the disease. My mind races. This week has been a bad week for me and after crying with my husband this morning we thought it would be good to start a journal or something to keep track of my feelings and moods. I thought blogging would be a good idea to be able to share with my family and friends and who knows, if I can reach someone else that perhaps feels the same thing that I do, than I can feel like I'm not alone in my disease.
With all that being said... I will try to blog daily even if it's only a short sentence. I will also include a mood chart.
It hasn't been a year yet since being diagnosed as bipolar. Already, I'd give just about anything to go back and not have to deal with the truth of why I do and feel the things that I do.
I've decided to start this blog because once again I'm having a "break". Things seemed to be going so normal and even and without really knowing when I've gone back down into that dark place where I don't want to deal with my emotions. I just want to go to sleep and wake up feeling better.
Perhaps, before I get too much into where I'm at right now I should give a little backround. I am a 32 year old wife and mommy. I have 2 little boys who are everything to me. There are days that I think if it wasn't for them I really don't know where I'd be. I am married to a wonderful man who loves me and luckily understands my disease better than most. We have had our ups and downs in our 8 years of marriage but I wouldn't want to have those ups and downs with anyone else.
I have one older sister who is my best friend. I share everything with her (perhaps too much sometimes). Since she became a foster mommy and stay at home mommy I feel we've become closer and I couldn't be more thankful for that. She has 2 beautiful daughters and has had several foster babies that we all have loved and have been heartbroken to see go. She is also married to a great man who puts up with her very controling manner and has made a pretty good brother over the years.
My mom is my ROCK! There isn't much else to say because I think that says it all. I don't know what I'd do without her. She keeps me grounded but never lets me forget that having fun and being silly is the best medicine in the world. Everyday something happens to remind me how lucky I am to have her so close.
My dad and I have struggled over the years but I think we are finally in a good place and have a good relationship. He lives far away and I do wish we could be closer to each other. He was rough and tough as I was growing up but I'm lucky enough to also have those moments locked in my memory when he was gentle and goofy and loving. I am thankful that with age and the love of a very wonderful lady (yes, that's you Carolyn) that he has become a lot softer and when he gets to be around his Grandkids is the best Grandpa in the world.
As for the rest of my family... I think they all need to move to CO to be close to me. I am thankful to FB to be able to keep in contact with those that I wouldn't otherwise.
I feel like I'm rambling, another great side effect to the disease. My mind races. This week has been a bad week for me and after crying with my husband this morning we thought it would be good to start a journal or something to keep track of my feelings and moods. I thought blogging would be a good idea to be able to share with my family and friends and who knows, if I can reach someone else that perhaps feels the same thing that I do, than I can feel like I'm not alone in my disease.
With all that being said... I will try to blog daily even if it's only a short sentence. I will also include a mood chart.
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