Oh My God, this past week has sucked!!! I can't stop putting everything into my mouth. It's so annoying and frustrating. And as always it has nothing to do with being hungry, it's all about emotional crap!
It started with finding a new psychiatrist. The old one was terrible yet, it took a year to figure that out. This new one seems decent. I've only seen her once but liked what she had to say about the medications I'm on and where she thinks I should be. So, now... playing with meds is making me very moody, which in turn makes me eat. Awww, the never ending cycle.
To top everything off, I've lost my SPARK. I was doing so good feeling motivated about things in my life. I had tons of ideas for fun events at church, I joined Weight Watchers, I had actually gone to the gym. Now, I have NO desire to do any of it. I want to be motivated. I want to have that spark but, it's about all I can do just to get dressed. The worst part is feeling like I'm torturing my boys. They don't deserve to have a Mommy who is like this.
I'm going to try to stay positive and put all of this into God's hands. Praying that I've found the right doctor and slowly things will get better. It just takes time.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
The Ups & Downs
Life has been so full of Ups & Downs right now. Joined Weight Watchers and have lost a little over 5 lbs in the first two weeks. Yippy! My Hughie is officially done with pre-school. It's summer!
Had to find a new psychiatrist (that sucks). My meds are off. Got a terrible cold/ flu. And can't seem to go more than 48 hours without some sort of frustration between myself and the hubby.
It's in these moments when I wonder "what's the point?" If I have a good day then something stupid comes around and ruins it within seconds. Someone else has a good day, I manage to find a way to ruin their day. It's never ending. I'm just so tired of it all.
Had to find a new psychiatrist (that sucks). My meds are off. Got a terrible cold/ flu. And can't seem to go more than 48 hours without some sort of frustration between myself and the hubby.
It's in these moments when I wonder "what's the point?" If I have a good day then something stupid comes around and ruins it within seconds. Someone else has a good day, I manage to find a way to ruin their day. It's never ending. I'm just so tired of it all.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Growing Up
I've been an emotional mess lately and I think it finally hit me why. Tonight is parent's night for Hugh's kindergarten and I've been dealing with Kaleb's pre-school needs for the past few weeks.
My babies are growing up and I'm not ready for it. They're supposed to stay babies till I'm ready for them to grow up.
The worst part for me is the feeling that this is "it". I don't know if there will be another baby. Oh, Lord why is this so hard? I feel like a fool sitting here crying because both my boys will be in school next year.
I'm going to be the mom that totally breaks down next year when Hugh goes to school on the first day. Justin might have to take the morning/ day off just so I don't completely fall apart. LOL
I can get through this, I can't spend the entire summer crying every time I think about school. Okay, I've gotten it all out of my head. I can move on from here. Tonight is going to be exciting and I'm going to be thrilled for my kiddos.
My babies are growing up and I'm not ready for it. They're supposed to stay babies till I'm ready for them to grow up.
The worst part for me is the feeling that this is "it". I don't know if there will be another baby. Oh, Lord why is this so hard? I feel like a fool sitting here crying because both my boys will be in school next year.
I'm going to be the mom that totally breaks down next year when Hugh goes to school on the first day. Justin might have to take the morning/ day off just so I don't completely fall apart. LOL
I can get through this, I can't spend the entire summer crying every time I think about school. Okay, I've gotten it all out of my head. I can move on from here. Tonight is going to be exciting and I'm going to be thrilled for my kiddos.
Friday, May 13, 2011
Another One of those days
I'd like to blame it all on it being Friday the 13th but in the past these were always such good days for me. I often looked forward to Friday the 13th but, today sucked.
It started off with my 4 yr old waking up way too early and deciding instead of getting pulled into bed with me or being told to go back to his own bed, he'd sneak into his little brother's room and wake him up. Which is followed by me asking him to come here 5 times. By the 5th time, I'm no longer asking, I'm screaming and throwing the covers off of me and about to kill anyone who comes near me. And the entire time my darling husband is basically ignoring all of it while he gets ready for work.
I guess I should have known that the day would most likely only get worse from there. Shortly after all of that, everyone is dressed, downstairs, fed, and playing when the 2 year old trips and plants his cheek directly onto the coffee table leaving him with a huge bruise going straight across the entire side of his face. It looks awful and of course I have all of that lovely "mommy guilt". I'm tearing up yet again.
And best of all, I have had an annoying cough for 3 months, maybe more. I've stopped counting because it doesn't seem to matter anymore. I've tried everything under the sun to get rid of this cough. The doctor has tried a lot of things as well. Yesterday afternoon I went to have a chest x-ray and I must admit was really hoping that something, anything would show up so I could finally have some relief but NOPE, it was clear. My doctor's response..."let's wait another 2 weeks to see what happens." WTF!
Talk about having a serious break down. There comes a point where it all feels like too much and I'm at that point. Either let me be healthy so I can go on with my life and not have this hanging over me or let me be sick! This stupid cough that doesn't really stop me from doing anything, isn't around most of the day, only seems to really show up in the afternoon and into the evening. It just looms there, taunting me. I feel like people think I'm making it all up. Do you have any idea how embrassing it is to have to wear a pad every evening to make sure that you don't wet yourself? Or go into coughing fits that make you vomit? But nothing helps. Nothing makes it better. I'm so over it! I just want to have an answer.
Now, it's off to take my children to stay the night with Grandma (thank God for Grandma). I want to go home and crawl into bed and cry but, instead I'll go home and put on a smile and tell my husband I'm fine because I'm pretty sure he's heard me complain about how I feel one too many times. *Sigh*
It started off with my 4 yr old waking up way too early and deciding instead of getting pulled into bed with me or being told to go back to his own bed, he'd sneak into his little brother's room and wake him up. Which is followed by me asking him to come here 5 times. By the 5th time, I'm no longer asking, I'm screaming and throwing the covers off of me and about to kill anyone who comes near me. And the entire time my darling husband is basically ignoring all of it while he gets ready for work.
I guess I should have known that the day would most likely only get worse from there. Shortly after all of that, everyone is dressed, downstairs, fed, and playing when the 2 year old trips and plants his cheek directly onto the coffee table leaving him with a huge bruise going straight across the entire side of his face. It looks awful and of course I have all of that lovely "mommy guilt". I'm tearing up yet again.
And best of all, I have had an annoying cough for 3 months, maybe more. I've stopped counting because it doesn't seem to matter anymore. I've tried everything under the sun to get rid of this cough. The doctor has tried a lot of things as well. Yesterday afternoon I went to have a chest x-ray and I must admit was really hoping that something, anything would show up so I could finally have some relief but NOPE, it was clear. My doctor's response..."let's wait another 2 weeks to see what happens." WTF!
Talk about having a serious break down. There comes a point where it all feels like too much and I'm at that point. Either let me be healthy so I can go on with my life and not have this hanging over me or let me be sick! This stupid cough that doesn't really stop me from doing anything, isn't around most of the day, only seems to really show up in the afternoon and into the evening. It just looms there, taunting me. I feel like people think I'm making it all up. Do you have any idea how embrassing it is to have to wear a pad every evening to make sure that you don't wet yourself? Or go into coughing fits that make you vomit? But nothing helps. Nothing makes it better. I'm so over it! I just want to have an answer.
Now, it's off to take my children to stay the night with Grandma (thank God for Grandma). I want to go home and crawl into bed and cry but, instead I'll go home and put on a smile and tell my husband I'm fine because I'm pretty sure he's heard me complain about how I feel one too many times. *Sigh*
Thursday, May 12, 2011
What to do?
Haven't posted again because I'm not sure where to go from here. My husband and I got into an argument a few days ago and he basically said he doesn't understand or like the fact that I'm now blogging. I guess he assumes I come here to bash him.
It hurts to think that's what he thinks of me. It hurt even more to learn that he'd make that judgement without even reading my blog. So, I've basically been stuck. Afraid to post anything.
What to do... do I continue because I'm enjoying blogging and feel like it's a place to share my thoughts and feelings or do I stop because I love and cherish my husband? It's just all too frustrating and confusing.
It hurts to think that's what he thinks of me. It hurt even more to learn that he'd make that judgement without even reading my blog. So, I've basically been stuck. Afraid to post anything.
What to do... do I continue because I'm enjoying blogging and feel like it's a place to share my thoughts and feelings or do I stop because I love and cherish my husband? It's just all too frustrating and confusing.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
May 3, 2011: Avoiding Bed
It is now 10:45pm. I am NEVER up this late. My eyes don't want to stay open but I hate going to bed by myself. So glad that Justin will be home tomorrow night.
I thought I had so much to write about and now nothing is coming to me. Oh well, probably my mind's way of telling me to go get some sleep. I should probably listen.
Good Night.
I thought I had so much to write about and now nothing is coming to me. Oh well, probably my mind's way of telling me to go get some sleep. I should probably listen.
Good Night.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Day 3: May 1st / Big News
It is the very end of the day, which has been a very odd day. My husband is gone on his business trip, the kids are in bed and I'm just sitting here messing around on the computer thinking what an uneventful day when all of the sudden...
"The USA has Bin Landen's body"
It's just amazing to me of what can happen in just few short minutes from sitting and doing nothing to having everyone you know talking about exactly the same thing.
"The USA has Bin Landen's body"
It's just amazing to me of what can happen in just few short minutes from sitting and doing nothing to having everyone you know talking about exactly the same thing.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Day 2: Feeling Alone
April 30, 2011
Got up this morning to take Hughie (my oldest) to the eye doctor. A few months ago we discovered his right eye had a cataract and he had surgery to have it removed. Today, we were finally going to get him fitted for glasses. I thought that it would be an exciting morning, little did I know that in the short time between waking up and leaving the house I'd be arguing with my husband and ready to just crawl back into bed and call it "quits" for the day.
I know I'm on edge because Justin (my husband) is going out of town tomorrow for work. I'm always highly emotional whenever he leaves but I feel like he's trying to pick fights with me this time around. It's very frustrating.
Anyway, we made it to the eye doctor and luckily the appointment went well and the glasses were ordered. My kiddo looks really cute in glasses.
And then we came home... the boys went outside to play and Justin went to mow the lawn. I started the dishes and suddenly broke down in tears. This overwhelming feeling of lonliness came over me. I can't descibe it much more than feeling like no one else in the world could possibly know how you're feeling. My heart aches and my stomach is turning.
Now my family is coming back inside, once again I'll wipe away the tears and put on a smile. I'll lift my head up and take a step in the right direction to feeling better. Kaleb (my youngest) is pulling on me and I can't say "no" to him. Here's to hoping that this is the low point of my day and it just goes up from here.
Got up this morning to take Hughie (my oldest) to the eye doctor. A few months ago we discovered his right eye had a cataract and he had surgery to have it removed. Today, we were finally going to get him fitted for glasses. I thought that it would be an exciting morning, little did I know that in the short time between waking up and leaving the house I'd be arguing with my husband and ready to just crawl back into bed and call it "quits" for the day.
I know I'm on edge because Justin (my husband) is going out of town tomorrow for work. I'm always highly emotional whenever he leaves but I feel like he's trying to pick fights with me this time around. It's very frustrating.
Anyway, we made it to the eye doctor and luckily the appointment went well and the glasses were ordered. My kiddo looks really cute in glasses.
And then we came home... the boys went outside to play and Justin went to mow the lawn. I started the dishes and suddenly broke down in tears. This overwhelming feeling of lonliness came over me. I can't descibe it much more than feeling like no one else in the world could possibly know how you're feeling. My heart aches and my stomach is turning.
Now my family is coming back inside, once again I'll wipe away the tears and put on a smile. I'll lift my head up and take a step in the right direction to feeling better. Kaleb (my youngest) is pulling on me and I can't say "no" to him. Here's to hoping that this is the low point of my day and it just goes up from here.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Day 1: The Start of a Blog
Not exactly sure how to start so please bear with me...
It hasn't been a year yet since being diagnosed as bipolar. Already, I'd give just about anything to go back and not have to deal with the truth of why I do and feel the things that I do.
I've decided to start this blog because once again I'm having a "break". Things seemed to be going so normal and even and without really knowing when I've gone back down into that dark place where I don't want to deal with my emotions. I just want to go to sleep and wake up feeling better.
Perhaps, before I get too much into where I'm at right now I should give a little backround. I am a 32 year old wife and mommy. I have 2 little boys who are everything to me. There are days that I think if it wasn't for them I really don't know where I'd be. I am married to a wonderful man who loves me and luckily understands my disease better than most. We have had our ups and downs in our 8 years of marriage but I wouldn't want to have those ups and downs with anyone else.
I have one older sister who is my best friend. I share everything with her (perhaps too much sometimes). Since she became a foster mommy and stay at home mommy I feel we've become closer and I couldn't be more thankful for that. She has 2 beautiful daughters and has had several foster babies that we all have loved and have been heartbroken to see go. She is also married to a great man who puts up with her very controling manner and has made a pretty good brother over the years.
My mom is my ROCK! There isn't much else to say because I think that says it all. I don't know what I'd do without her. She keeps me grounded but never lets me forget that having fun and being silly is the best medicine in the world. Everyday something happens to remind me how lucky I am to have her so close.
My dad and I have struggled over the years but I think we are finally in a good place and have a good relationship. He lives far away and I do wish we could be closer to each other. He was rough and tough as I was growing up but I'm lucky enough to also have those moments locked in my memory when he was gentle and goofy and loving. I am thankful that with age and the love of a very wonderful lady (yes, that's you Carolyn) that he has become a lot softer and when he gets to be around his Grandkids is the best Grandpa in the world.
As for the rest of my family... I think they all need to move to CO to be close to me. I am thankful to FB to be able to keep in contact with those that I wouldn't otherwise.
I feel like I'm rambling, another great side effect to the disease. My mind races. This week has been a bad week for me and after crying with my husband this morning we thought it would be good to start a journal or something to keep track of my feelings and moods. I thought blogging would be a good idea to be able to share with my family and friends and who knows, if I can reach someone else that perhaps feels the same thing that I do, than I can feel like I'm not alone in my disease.
With all that being said... I will try to blog daily even if it's only a short sentence. I will also include a mood chart.
It hasn't been a year yet since being diagnosed as bipolar. Already, I'd give just about anything to go back and not have to deal with the truth of why I do and feel the things that I do.
I've decided to start this blog because once again I'm having a "break". Things seemed to be going so normal and even and without really knowing when I've gone back down into that dark place where I don't want to deal with my emotions. I just want to go to sleep and wake up feeling better.
Perhaps, before I get too much into where I'm at right now I should give a little backround. I am a 32 year old wife and mommy. I have 2 little boys who are everything to me. There are days that I think if it wasn't for them I really don't know where I'd be. I am married to a wonderful man who loves me and luckily understands my disease better than most. We have had our ups and downs in our 8 years of marriage but I wouldn't want to have those ups and downs with anyone else.
I have one older sister who is my best friend. I share everything with her (perhaps too much sometimes). Since she became a foster mommy and stay at home mommy I feel we've become closer and I couldn't be more thankful for that. She has 2 beautiful daughters and has had several foster babies that we all have loved and have been heartbroken to see go. She is also married to a great man who puts up with her very controling manner and has made a pretty good brother over the years.
My mom is my ROCK! There isn't much else to say because I think that says it all. I don't know what I'd do without her. She keeps me grounded but never lets me forget that having fun and being silly is the best medicine in the world. Everyday something happens to remind me how lucky I am to have her so close.
My dad and I have struggled over the years but I think we are finally in a good place and have a good relationship. He lives far away and I do wish we could be closer to each other. He was rough and tough as I was growing up but I'm lucky enough to also have those moments locked in my memory when he was gentle and goofy and loving. I am thankful that with age and the love of a very wonderful lady (yes, that's you Carolyn) that he has become a lot softer and when he gets to be around his Grandkids is the best Grandpa in the world.
As for the rest of my family... I think they all need to move to CO to be close to me. I am thankful to FB to be able to keep in contact with those that I wouldn't otherwise.
I feel like I'm rambling, another great side effect to the disease. My mind races. This week has been a bad week for me and after crying with my husband this morning we thought it would be good to start a journal or something to keep track of my feelings and moods. I thought blogging would be a good idea to be able to share with my family and friends and who knows, if I can reach someone else that perhaps feels the same thing that I do, than I can feel like I'm not alone in my disease.
With all that being said... I will try to blog daily even if it's only a short sentence. I will also include a mood chart.
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